What do you call a funny jar of mayonnaise?

LMAYO

Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.

It's half empty.

What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?

They’re both Paris sites

Everything was fine until I got a universal remote

It changed everything

I'm fine with alcohol and weed, but cocaine is where I draw the line

My hat told me it was leaving me

I said go on ahead

Almost all garden gnomes have red hats

It’s a little gnome fact

My left knee has never committed a crime.

I can’t say the same for his felony.

In the old days, excessive use of commas was considered to be a serious crime.

It usually resulted in a long sentence.

A horse broke into my room while I was asleep.

It was a nightmare.

Why did the pilot get sent to his room

Bad altitude

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

A burger walks into a bar and orders a beer

The bartender says we don't serve food here

Where does a cardiologist go on holiday?

vagus

Thanks to my dedication, my watch always has the right time. It's never been wrong.

Not on my watch.

The dedication of Olympic gymnasts amazes me.

They really bend over backwards for their country.

Why do the British like real estate?

Because it is proper-tea