What's the opposite of a croissant?

A happy uncle.

What do you prefer and why?

Me first day on Damus:

What do you call a funny jar of mayonnaise?

LMAYO

Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.

It's half empty.

What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?

They’re both Paris sites

Everything was fine until I got a universal remote

It changed everything

I'm fine with alcohol and weed, but cocaine is where I draw the line

My hat told me it was leaving me

I said go on ahead

Almost all garden gnomes have red hats

It’s a little gnome fact

My left knee has never committed a crime.

I can’t say the same for his felony.

In the old days, excessive use of commas was considered to be a serious crime.

It usually resulted in a long sentence.

A horse broke into my room while I was asleep.

It was a nightmare.

Why did the pilot get sent to his room

Bad altitude

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

A burger walks into a bar and orders a beer

The bartender says we don't serve food here