Dad, do you know why it’s so dark at night?

Dad: No sun

Just started my new job as a security guard. The supervisor told me my job would be to watch the office at night.

I’m on season eight. Still not sure what this has to do with security.

How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend?

Meet Patty

During an autopsy, why are the heart, kidneys, liver and lungs arranged alphabetically?

So they are organ-ized.

What do you call someone who has had their liver removed?

Delivered

Bae goals <3 :

Why does Pepsi always achieve its goals?

It’s soda termined

I made it a goal to become a legal citizen of Finland

And I am not going to quit until I’m Finish

The goal of every burglar is a stainless steal.

What do you call a woman standing between 2 goal posts?

Annette.

What do you call a man with a head full of change?

Headquarters

Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone.

SVBroke

I have a step ladder at home..

I never knew my real ladder.

On her first date.

Her dad: I want her home before midnight.

Me: But you already own her home.

Dad: -turning to daughter- If you don't sleep with him, I will.

Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer..

Ruff.

Last joke left me wonton for more.

Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 2 dollars.

Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order: Riceless

I decided to check my balance at the bank today.

Turns out I have an inner ear infection.