My friend Barry drew me. But I‘m not insulted because.

I Drew Barrymore.

My girlfriend poked me in the eyes.

So I stopped seeing her for a while.

Finally my winter fat is gone...

Now, I have spring rolls.

I hate my job.

All I do is crush cans all day.

It's just..

Soda pressing

When I get in to work, I automatically hide.

Good employees are hard to find.

I quit my grocery store job.

The monthly celery was unacceptable.

I had my ear surgery last week and still haven't heard anything from my doctor. Now I'm wondering if it is a good or a bad thing.

My friend used to be addicted to drinking detergent, but he’s clean now.

Started reading a book about addiction. Can’t put it down.

A friend has a horse which will only come out after dark. It’s a nightmare.

My local football team have lost more matches than me trying to light a candle in the dark.

Turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

My favorite Disney movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I love a hero with a twisted back story.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral.

Why did the old man fall in the well?

Because he couldn’t see that well

A corrupted person and a banker walk into a bar.

He orders a drink.

I childproofed my house

Somehow they still got in