I'm done being a people pleaser.

If everyone's ok with that.

At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer

"No. I always give 110%"

Waitress: How did you find your steak Sir?

I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was

I love my job. Lately, colleagues have been writing names on the food in the office fridge.

I'm currently eating a yoghurt called Susan. How cute.

Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?

My wife: It's impossible to live with him. He's too literal.

Me: My truck.

Bitcoin projected on the European Central Bank in Frankfurt, Germany.

Did you hear the one about when Pavolv's dog met Schrodinger's cat?

I think it rings a bell. Or maybe not..

What do you call an acid with an attitude?

A-mean-o Acid

I don’t user Twitter anymore. I relay on Damus.

A little known fact - before the crowbar

was invented..

crows simply drank at home.

What did the drummer name his twin daughters?

Anna1

Anna2

Well, I got fired from the keyboard factory.

My boss said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts.

That's when I completely lost CTRL.

How do farmers party?

They turnip the beets.

Me: “Honey, what’s todays date?”

Wife: “March 1st.”

Me: *Marching around the room*

“Okay, what’s todays date?”

We had a contest at work for the best neckwear..

It was a tie

What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious

My friend Barry drew me. But I‘m not insulted because.

I Drew Barrymore.

My girlfriend poked me in the eyes.

So I stopped seeing her for a while.