Just saw a real idiot at the gym.

He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2.

I paid my $2 and the guy says: "Once upon a time there was this lobster."

My wife said, "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"

I said, "Where did that come from?"

I once swallowed a book of synonyms.

It's given me thesaurus throat I've ever had.

Why does it suck to work for the NSA during the winter?

Because if it snows, you can't call and say you're #[0]​.

Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?

Yes, Puns, how can we help you?

My friend asked if I had to include vegetables in all my sentences

I told him no not nececelery

I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved..

That was the best slice of soup I've ever had

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning..

I must have been sleep wokking again

Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive.

It's called wedding cake.

What do you call a zombie who doesn't joke around?

Dead serious.

Elon Musk is originally from South Africa, which is strange.

You'd think he was from Mad-at-gas-car.

got arrested for stealing a complete set of encyclopedias..

I said to the police: Hang on, I can explain everything

Bro, do you want this pamphlet?

Yeah, Brochure.

My sister just delivered a baby.

I knew she had it in her.

Spring is here - I got so excited I wet my plants

I've opened a gym, where the instructors would go from door to door, to tell people about the benefits of joining it.

I've named it Jehovah's Fitness.