I’ve been spending way too much time on Damus lately and it’s starting to have a negative impact on my mental health, so I’m going to take a break for a bit
I’ll be back in 5 minutes
My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”
So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house.
What four elements are you not allowed to bring to your job?
Nitrogen, Sulfur, Fluorine, and tungsten because they are NSFW.
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He orders a drink and asks for the check.
So duck billed platypus.
I pulled a muscle while panning for gold.
It was a miner injury.
Can you type quickly?
Yes, that and many other words.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That's when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: Impressive! You’re hired!
Me: Thanks. I really needed this yob.
I was crying on someone's arms, and the guy got an erection.
Mourning Wood.
At the end of the day we are all human beans.
And together, we will rice.
I can’t take my dog to the park anymore.
The ducks keep biting him.
I should’ve known this would happen.
He’s pure bread.
I was the best man for my brother's wedding in Paris. At the reception, I raised my Champagne glass and said "Eggs, Cinnamon, Bread, and Maple Syrup."
It was a French Toast
Always trust a glue salesman
They tend to stick to their word.
*Disclaimer: Not a pun*
Which charities are legit and accept Bitcoin for donations?
You know what really makes me throw up?
A dartboard on a ceiling.
Did you know that Spiderman has a winter jacket made entirely of Mediterranean flat bread.
It's a Pita Parka.