Me: There's only one thing that scares me about Halloween.

Daughter: Which is?

Me: Exactly.

Loving my new iPhone 15

If I crash a car on purpose, is it still an accident?

Alexander the Grate

I accidentally took my cats meds this morning..

Don't ask meow

Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or as my doctor calls it: a colonoscopy.

good or bad.

Here are 5 tips: 🧵

#bitcoin

You thought other puns were bad?

Just wait until you sea mine