I accidentally took my cats meds last night..

Don't ask meow.

Did anyone see the joke I posted recently about my spine.

It was about a weak back.

SEC Twitter account security

Remember to poop before midnight tonight.

You don’t want to be carrying the same shit into the new year.

I was going to write a pun on phobias, but I was afraid you guys wouldn’t like it.

Did you hear about that

great new shovel?

It's ground breaking.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Therapist: What brings you in today?

Me: I have a terrible fear of tsunamis.

Therapist: How bad is it?

Me: It comes in waves.

The Christmas alphabet is almost identical to the standard English alphabet.

Except that it has Noel.

I was gonna tell some dad jokes at the airport.

But when I approached him, he didn’t look too friendly.

My biggest fear is being trapped in a small room with Santa.

I have Claustrophobia.