What do you call 66% of a poop?

Two turds

The S&P 500 hit 5,000. That means every company is now worth $10.

Anyone want to buy a broken barometer?

No pressure.

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

iykyk

My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.

I said “don’t forget your Baghdad.”

🔞

Solana is down.

This is the first time most degens have had anything go down on them all year.

Are mountains funny?

No, they're hill areas.

Summer 2024

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.

Confused, I asked him what he was doing..

He said: “Just checking my balance.”

Why don’t I approve of too many political jokes?

Because I’ve seen too many of them getting elected.

Why don’t I tell jokes about the civil war?

Because I “General Lee” don’t find them funny.

What’s blue and doesn’t weigh much?

Light blue.

Judge: I order you to pay $10,000

Mario: Why?

Judge: It’s a fine.

Mario: No itsa not.

At the airport, my friend suggested we disguise ourselves as luggage.

I said, "let's not get carried away.”

I recently took a pole and found out that over 90% of people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.

I got hit in the head with a can of soda..

Lucky it was a soft drink.