BREAKING: The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister of Sweden.

The first thing he'll do is to assemble his cabinet.

I have so many jokes about unemployed people.

But none of them works.

Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages.

This is called the Wurst Kase scenario.

People are usually shocked when they find out I am not a good electrician.

What do you call a mouse that swears?

A cursor.

Last night I had a horrifying dream that Disco was actually making a comeback.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.

Now I have Heinzsight.

Me: What is an IV for?

Roman: Yes.

Attempted to exercise this morning.

Didn't work out.

A dragon would never explode.

A dino might.

I went to a psychic.

I knocked on her front door.

She yelled: "Who is it?"

So l left.

What’s the best present you can gift?

A broken drum.

Nobody can beat that.

Elon Musk is launching a satellite as a peace offering to the aliens.

Apollo G.

I call it an elevator, but my British friend calls it a lift.

I guess we were just raised differently.