Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Doctor: "I have some news about your baby."
Parents: "Don't tell us the gender, we want to keep it a surprise."
Doctor: "Oh I get it, you're those type of people. Okay, well IT is not breathing."
What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?
Gang rape.
Programming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity, and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.
Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six-pack abs?
He did CrossFit.
My wife divorced me so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
How do you keep black people out of your back yard?
Hang one in the front!
I was going to tell a dead baby joke. But I decided to abort.
My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife.
Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago.
I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
Where do sick cruise ships go to get healthy?
The dock!
Stop being homophobic and rude to the LGBTQ+ community. You should be thanking them for saving us plenty of room in heaven.
Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girlfriend?
You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife is dead.
Why is Linux safe?
Hackers peak through Windows only.
What does the MacBook have in common with Donald Trump?
I would tell you....
But I don't compare apples to oranges.
What's green and smells like pork?
Kermit's Fingers.
How many Jews can you fit into a car?
Two in the front, three in the back, and a hundred in the ashtray.
My ex had an accident. I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for her. She'll finally experience what rejection is really like.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper.
.NET developers are picky when it comes to food.
They only like chicken NuGet.