What's yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of children.

What do you call a witch at the beach?

A Sandwich.

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

[very long pause]

"Java."

Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying "Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I'll be in June!"

"Oh I don't know princess, why don't you tell me?" I said. She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It's now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won't say where she got them.

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

How can you tell an extroverted programmer?

He looks at YOUR shoes when he's talking.

How do construction workers party?

They raise the roof.

My wife left me because I'm too insecure and paranoid.

Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.

A byte walks into a bar looking miserable.

The bartender asks it: "What's wrong buddy?"

"Parity error." it replies.

"Ah that makes sense, I thought you looked a bit off."

Jokes about anti-vaxxer parents never get old.

Just like their kids.

Muslim women are horrible competitors.

No matter what they do, they always get beat.

What's the difference between a phone and a black person?

A phone is actually useful.

How do construction workers party?

They raise the roof.

What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?

The elf-abet!

I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies.

He said from now on I have to pay in advance.

Why does Santa go down the chimney?

Because it soots him!

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.

Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Christmas party?

Because he had no body to go with!