My wife left me because I'm too insecure and paranoid.
Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.
What's black and sits at the top of a stairwell?
A paraplegic after a house fire.
What do you call a developer who doesn't comment code?
A developer.
I used to love to tell dad jokes.
Dad, come back...
How did Harry Potter get down the hill?
Walking...
JK, Rolling.
I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
How did Harry Potter get down the hill?
Walking...
JK, Rolling.
Nowadays people are so sensitive, you can't even say "black paint" anymore.
Instead, you have to say "Jamal, please paint the fence".
What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It's a pain in the neck.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime movie where you're also the murderer at the same time.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.
Went to the doctors for a prostate exam.
During the exam he said it's not unusual to become aroused or even ejaculate.
But still, I wish he hadn't.
Why is Linux safe?
Hackers peak through Windows only.
Why did the ghost go to the bar?
To get sheet faced.
Why shouldn't you visit an expensive wig shop?
It's too high a price "toupee."
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
How many nice guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed off when it won't screw.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime movie where you're also the murderer at the same time.
I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies.
He said from now on I have to pay in advance.