I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies.
He said from now on I have to pay in advance.
Hey girl are you a school? Because I want to shoot some kids up inside of you.
What happened to the man who got behind on payments to his exorcist?
He got repossessed.
A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says "Can't you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!" to which the man replies, "I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings; we only worry about errors."
What is the most used language in programming?
Profanity.
My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
Your momma is so fat, you need to switch to NTFS to store a picture of her.
What kind of bees produce milk?
Boo-Bees.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Why did the Python data scientist get arrested at customs?
She was caught trying to import pandas!
Why do they call it hyper terminal?
Too much Java.
A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.
A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn't.
This morning I accidentally made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.
I was already on the highway when I noticed I forgot my car at home.
Why did the ghost go to the bar?
To get sheet faced.
I won the lottery today!
Well, I only got the first two numbers, but my lawyers are working on having them stop the count.
Hey, wanna hear a joke?
Parsing HTML with regex.
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in the divorce court.
"Mickey", the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me."
"I didn't say she was insane", exclaims Mickey.
"I said she was fucking Goofy."
Why are modern programming languages so materialistic?
Because they are object-oriented.
Arguing with a woman is like reading a software's license agreement.
In the end you ignore everything and click "I agree".
why do python programmers wear glasses?
Because they can't C.