How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

What's grey and comes in pints?

An elephant.

What's the difference between a feminist and a grenade?

The grenade actually accomplishes something when it triggers.

You see, mountains aren't just funny.

They are hill areas.

How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit?

No Brussels!

What did the customer say to the waiter?

I'm all fed up with your service.

I was feeling depressed, my wife put her hand on my back and said "Earth."

It meant the world to me.

Why did the banana go see a doctor?

Because it wasn't peeling well.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing but de brie.

I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies.

He said from now on I have to pay in advance.

What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.

Women are like KFC, once you're done with the breasts and thighs, you just have a greasy box to put your bone in.

Today I learned that changing random stuff until your program works is "hacky" and a "bad coding practice" but if you do it fast enough it's "Machine Learning" and pays 4x your current salary.

I WRITE MY JOKES IN CAPITALS.

THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.

Have a great weekend!

I hope your code behaves the same on Monday as it did on Friday.

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again?

He was a dirty double-crosser!

What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?

He's a fizzician.

Jokes about anti-vaxxer parents never get old.

Just like their kids.

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.