What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing. You already told her twice.

What do you use to blindfold an Asian?

Floss.

Programming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity, and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.

// This line doesn't actually do anything, but the code stops working when I delete it.

Saying that Java is nice because it works on every OS is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on every gender.

Why do Hong Kong cops like to go to work early?

To beat the crowd.

I'd tell you a joke about NAT but I would have to translate.

Went to the doctors for a prostate exam.

During the exam he said it's not unusual to become aroused or even ejaculate.

But still, I wish he hadn't.

Why does Beyonce sing "to the left, to the left"?

Because women don't have rights.

To prove he was right, the flat-earther walked to the end of the Earth.

He eventually came around.

"99.9% of the people are dumb!"

"Fortunately I belong to the remaining 1%"

I just saw my wife trip over and drop a basket full of ironed clothes.

I watched it all unfold.

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?

The elf-abet!

What's yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of children.

I'd tell you a joke about NAT but I would have to translate.

What's the difference between a feminist and a grenade?

The grenade actually accomplishes something when it triggers.

What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

An outlaw is wanted.

One time I masturbated on a plane.

I called it "highjacking".

How long does a black woman take to throw away the garbage?

Nine months.