What do you get if you lock a monkey in a room with a typewriter for 8 hours?

A regular expression.

I have these weird muscle spasms in my gluteus maximus.

I figured out from my doctor that everything was alright:

He said "Weird flex, butt okay."

How did the programmer die in the shower?

He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Judge: "I sentence you to the maximum punishment..."

Me (thinking): "Please be death, please be death..."

Judge: "Learn Java!"

Me: "Damn."

Why do German showers have 11 holes?

Because Jews only have 10 fingers.

I WRITE MY JOKES IN CAPITALS.

THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.

What do Asian people call fingers?

Limb Limbs.

Hey girl are you a school? Because I want to shoot some kids up inside of you.

What's the difference between a jew and a pizza?

The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.

This morning I accidentally made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I was already on the highway when I noticed I forgot my car at home.

Mom asked me where I'm taking her to go out to eat for mother's day.

I told her, "We already have food in the house".

I didn't vaccinate my 10 kids and the one that survived is fine!

A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender...

"Five beers, please."

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

Hey Girl,

Roses are #ff0000,

Violets are #0000ff,

I use hex codes,

But I'd use RGB for you.

What's the difference between England and a tea bag?

The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

What's the object-oriented way to become wealthy?

Inheritance.

Two peanuts were walking.

One was assaulted.

My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...

I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.