My dad killed himself in front of me when I was about 3/4 years old. I held on to his leg and asked him not to leave me. I don’t remember what I had for dinner last week, but I’ll never forget this. His fear of living outweighed his fear of death, I suppose. David Foster Wallace said ‘the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames’. My dad loved me, I know that, but he did it anyway. Being a kid was so stressful. I rather like getting older. I didn’t feel the sadness of it until I started dating. I didn’t understand what was happening to me. Love is fucking painful sometimes.

I smile when I think back cos when kids would ask me about my dad in the playground I would just tell them what happened like it was nothing. No sensor. Kids are honest creatures. One time my teacher told me off in front of the whole class cos I was late to school and when she asked me why, I told her the truth. My mum was drunk again. She got all awkward and changed the subject and I remember being so confused why she did that, cos I thought she would laugh. I felt like I did something wrong. ‘Was I meant to lie? But I don’t like to lie’ I’d think. The great thing about a diary is that you never have to lie to them. They are incredibly understanding.

All this to say I think that’s why I’m so drawn to writers like David foster Wallace and Charles Bukowski. I love honesty. I like deep, authentic people. So curious. I want to understand. And I think maybe I do. It’s why I’m so curious about people’s parents, their childhoods and I love people watching. Why I can’t bear to see a child hurt. Why I sometimes can’t stand the sight of alcohol. It’s definitely shaped my views and tastes in art and literature. My moral compass. My dreams. My style of love.

We’ve all got such interesting (sometimes a little dark) unique yet similar stories.

From people watching I learnt that social interaction is the secret ingredient to longevity ❤️‍🔥 love people - not things - even if it hurts to love them.

I know this is going to sound odd but I wouldn’t change anything about my past for many reasons but one is because It made me who I am and I like who I am - not perfect at all but deeply emotional with a need to understand. That’s not too bad, I think. I’m like slightly overcooked pasta. Still edible to someone who doesn’t mind the texture. That’s the secret to making real friends, too. If your friend doesn’t want to bite you, then they probably aren’t right for you.

That’s just my feeling as a completely inexperienced 29 year old who has barely traveled and is still figuring life out.

Just thinking out loud. Again.

Alright, I’m going to get back to reading 🫂

I’m feeling awfully inspired lately ❤️‍🔥

Sorry for starting the note off so direct. I just find it so ridiculous that people use the word ‘unalive’ on YouTube. We created words to express ourselves and communicate. We should have power over the words we want to use, words shouldn’t have power over us - if that makes sense.

it's making me depressed ..here in Kenya nothing is cheaper than 2$...apart from small useless things..food is expensive...low quality rice is at2$not even worth the 2$because it's low quality 😭😭😭

👀

#nsfw #nudestr

Lovely good morning fam

Clouds have always fascinated me.

#photography #photostr #art #artstr #nature

I just did a thing ❤️‍🔥

Now I need to go do another thing 👋

Be passionate and be feminine.

El Salvador has stunning landscapes!

Have you visited any specific places there that you particularly enjoyed? 🇸🇻🧡

Such tough guys 🤣🤣🤣💜🫂

BREAKING NEWS: My period is killing me. 🥲

Sitting by my window. The sky is almost a midnight blue. It’s 16:35. I can hear the occasional police siren, car tyres on roads and a few tweets from birds, but other than that London feels quiet. Am looking at parliament and wondering what on earth is happening in the country.

Thank you for this 🫂

I agree, I see the world as Hardy does too 🫂❤️‍🔥

I wasn’t expecting the last part! You are incredibly charming Jonathan 💜☺️

‘In his famous essay "A Mathematician's Apology," G.H. Hardy uses the phrase "they are so" to express a sentiment about the beauty and intrinsic nature of mathematical truths. Specifically, Hardy is discussing the "eternity" and "objectivity" of mathematics, and how mathematical results exist independently of human experience.

In context, when Hardy says "they are so", he is affirming that certain mathematical truths (such as the properties of numbers or theorems) exist in a way that is absolute, self-evident, and unchangeable, regardless of human recognition or perception.

For example, Hardy writes:

"Great art is often said to be 'useless', and I believe that this is true. It is also true that mathematics is a form of art, and it is for its own sake that we pursue it. In this sense, they are so: these truths exist not because of any practical purpose but because they are simply true."

In this sense, "they are so" refers to the timeless, objective, and undeniable nature of mathematical truths.

"The mathematician’s patterns, like the painter’s or the poet’s, must be beautiful. The mathematician does not study anything but the pure mathematics. The fact that mathematicians have not made any discoveries of value to the human race is irrelevant. [...] They are not concerned with the practical application of mathematics, but with its beauty. They are so."

Hardy sees mathematics as an art, pursued for its own beauty and intellectual elegance rather than any practical purpose. "They are so" is his way of stating that the truths of mathematics are self-evident and exist in their own right, irrespective of human utility or application.’

🎆💜