My dad killed himself in front of me when I was about 3/4 years old. I held on to his leg and asked him not to leave me. I don’t remember what I had for dinner last week, but I’ll never forget this. His fear of living outweighed his fear of death, I suppose. David Foster Wallace said ‘the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames’. My dad loved me, I know that, but he did it anyway. Being a kid was so stressful. I rather like getting older. I didn’t feel the sadness of it until I started dating. I didn’t understand what was happening to me. Love is fucking painful sometimes.
I smile when I think back cos when kids would ask me about my dad in the playground I would just tell them what happened like it was nothing. No sensor. Kids are honest creatures. One time my teacher told me off in front of the whole class cos I was late to school and when she asked me why, I told her the truth. My mum was drunk again. She got all awkward and changed the subject and I remember being so confused why she did that, cos I thought she would laugh. I felt like I did something wrong. ‘Was I meant to lie? But I don’t like to lie’ I’d think. The great thing about a diary is that you never have to lie to them. They are incredibly understanding.
All this to say I think that’s why I’m so drawn to writers like David foster Wallace and Charles Bukowski. I love honesty. I like deep, authentic people. So curious. I want to understand. And I think maybe I do. It’s why I’m so curious about people’s parents, their childhoods and I love people watching. Why I can’t bear to see a child hurt. Why I sometimes can’t stand the sight of alcohol. It’s definitely shaped my views and tastes in art and literature. My moral compass. My dreams. My style of love.
We’ve all got such interesting (sometimes a little dark) unique yet similar stories.
From people watching I learnt that social interaction is the secret ingredient to longevity ❤️🔥 love people - not things - even if it hurts to love them.
I know this is going to sound odd but I wouldn’t change anything about my past for many reasons but one is because It made me who I am and I like who I am - not perfect at all but deeply emotional with a need to understand. That’s not too bad, I think. I’m like slightly overcooked pasta. Still edible to someone who doesn’t mind the texture. That’s the secret to making real friends, too. If your friend doesn’t want to bite you, then they probably aren’t right for you.
That’s just my feeling as a completely inexperienced 29 year old who has barely traveled and is still figuring life out.
Just thinking out loud. Again.
Alright, I’m going to get back to reading 🫂
I’m feeling awfully inspired lately ❤️🔥
Sorry for starting the note off so direct. I just find it so ridiculous that people use the word ‘unalive’ on YouTube. We created words to express ourselves and communicate. We should have power over the words we want to use, words shouldn’t have power over us - if that makes sense.
