Just swimming in the sadness today. Woke up floating on a raft out in the sea of frustration and hopped off hoping to find solid ground out there.

There is none. And as always : I hate it here

Many years ago, almost more than I want to admit, I was on the phone with a very angry person.

I worked in a CSR role, handling customer complaints about various products. It was a terrible job that paid exceptionally well and allowed me to utilize my people skills.

I have a few personal quirks. Some of them are useful, some of them are less than useful. One of the more useful quirks is my confidence in self.

I'm not afraid of you, I'm very difficult to intimidate.

One day, a police officer was on my phone. He had a problem with his purchase and he felt compelled to abuse someone about it.

I explained that the policy was against him and he wouldn't be able to move forward. He complained and threatened to file a lawsuit. I politely explained that his original threat of a lawsuit is what prompted my call and that I wanted to make sure he understood the situation.

He did not. He persisted in threatening to sue me personally, sue the company I worked for, just really make his point. So he could properly sue me, he explained that he needed and was legally authorized to know my full name and physical address. (Remember how I said he was a police man?)

I chuckled slightly at his overreach and calmly explained that would literally never happen. To be fair, I shouldn't have chuckled. It was slight, it wasn't cruel... but it was wrong.

He then threatened my safety and my life. He used language that made it clear he was unwilling to reaction rationally and I froze his accounts with the legal warnings and forwarded him to the security team.

A few months later, I was informed they had pursued charges against him. My audio recordings were being used to protect others from people like him.

Whenever I see threats like the one Donald Trump made against the #DOJ -- I think about those months.

This is a very dangerous and unserious person. He should not be allowed to walk free with public access to resources if this is how he spends his time.

My last album was the closest I got to true expression, and looking back, to me it seems pretty eggy. It was definitely filled with pain, such that my friends asked if I was okay.

My egg cracked about 6 months after it came out, but I was well on my way before then. Most of those songs were written a year or two earlier, some even longer. (I was already working on its follow up when I cracked, and that album was, frankly, gay as hell.)

4/🧵

I poured my blood and sweat into making that album with madman determination. The only thing I ever worked harder at was… you guessed it.

And transition has already given me so much back.

5/🧵

Since I cracked, I found I didn’t really need to cling to making music like I did. Haven’t even touched a guitar in over a year. Mostly I practice singing with my new voice, and I’m finally getting comfortable with that. Maybe even pretty good? But I don’t really write songs anymore.

I don’t really need to. Not yet anyway. At some point there may be Valerie Mars music, but it will only be once I’ve settled into my new life well enough that I’m doing it for fun & art instead of desperation.

6/🧵

My brain has been working overtime, I’ve written 3 essays in 2 days. Strap yourself in, or on… whatever 🤷‍♀️

- - - -

RETURN ON INVESTMENT

or, SISYPHUS vs VENUS

Last night I realized that my transition took about as long as it would take former me to write and produce an album of music, but transition has already given me more than a lifetime of making music ever did.

1/🧵

#trans #transition #TransJoy

I hid there because I couldn’t face myself. Couldn’t deal with all my pain and confusion. Music was cathartic, but even as a songwriter I could never dig deep enough to get to the heart of the problem. So I wrote songs that were mostly veiled metaphor, even from myself.

I believe my lack of true authenticity was detectable on some level by my audience and while I had devoted fans, I could never build anything substantial.

3/🧵

Before I cracked, music was what I hid behind. I wrote songs, sang & played in bands, was a DJ, worked in a record store, was a recording artist.

Being a musician was my whole identity, what I clung to to rescue me from a shitty life. It often just drained my soul and my bank account as I desperately poured myself into it, getting little in return. The most I got from it was making a few special friends along the way, but looking back it was a huge distraction.

2/🧵

I just got back from snorkeling, and it was wonderful! I floated around looking at the rainbow of fish and being alone with my thoughts and the sound of my breathing.

I was thinking about how weird and wonderful my life has become. I looked at my hands and thought of this song

These withered hands have dug for a dream

Sifted through sand and leftover nightmares

Over the hill, a desolate wind

Turns shit to gold and blows my soul crazy

The end of the end, we live again

Oh I grow weary of the end