I wish it was easier to end these miserable feelings

Laying km bed now

It's cold in tge appartment

I cant cry anymore

I just put a knife on my wrist and tried how sharp it is

I only have blunt knives

If only I had the strength to end my life

O would fele like this anymore

Good night Diary and myself

He has a good heart

Tomorrow i will see my father again

I have not seen him in 2 months

I wish he understood how I feel

K told him many times before

But he lacks the capacity tk comprehend

I wonder who will come across my diary

It's probably best if I go to sleep now anyway

I mis my friends i. japan

They mist be having breakfast now

I would love to have breakfast with them

A trail, some evidence of the past,

A mark on time by a person

My string of notes send thoughout the void

Thoughts of suicide occur frequently

I know I will not do jt

I know myself very well

I am unable to do it

This i know

I've felt like this for 12 years now

These feelings keep returning

But not so frequently to seek help

I've lost hope of ever not having to live alone

If I could flick my fingers for my life to stop, I'm fairly sure I would not hesitate

It woild save me from many more years of these feelings

I wonder if anyone will ever read these notes

And whether I forgot I already used this npub

I hope there's no connection the my main account

I feel like the cat in the box

Existence has meaning through impact on the world

Without people what is my meaning

Without any observer, why does my life matter

Without people here, without love, it feels my time alive is a waste

Life can be rich abd beautiful

Filled with feelings and thought,

Shared between humans

I want this

But without this, life feeels meaningless

Every evening I am alone

Right now I am alone

I feel sad and I cry

No one knows

I just want to scream

And cry

I want someone to hold me and give in

I've had enough of this shit

And I don't know how to fix it anymore

going through life working from home most of the tjme

No one to soeak to

No person who know how I'm feeling

No person who I can care for, who I can make smile

Someone once told me: "home is where your loved ones know your not there."

I have an appartment, but this is not my home, there's no one who misses me when im not here

I have everything a person could want

Enough money

Appartment

A cool study

An awesome job I love

Good health

Good appearance

Only few people to enjoy these thing with

I would trade it all to have more friends

Or to have my parents again

I feel very lonely regularly

A couple weeks back I experienced what it's like to be around people everyday, to be with friends often

For 3 weeks I lived the life I always wanted, that I still long for

Now I am home again, where I have few friends, and spebd most days alone

I don't know anymore how to get in contact with more people