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My dad killed himself in front of me when I was about 3/4 years old. I held on to his leg and asked him not to leave me. I don’t remember what I had for dinner last week, but I’ll never forget this. His fear of living outweighed his fear of death, I suppose. David Foster Wallace said ‘the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames’. My dad loved me, I know that, but he did it anyway. Being a kid was so stressful. I rather like getting older. I didn’t feel the sadness of it until I started dating. I didn’t understand what was happening to me. Love is fucking painful sometimes.

I smile when I think back cos when kids would ask me about my dad in the playground I would just tell them what happened like it was nothing. No sensor. Kids are honest creatures. One time my teacher told me off in front of the whole class cos I was late to school and when she asked me why, I told her the truth. My mum was drunk again. She got all awkward and changed the subject and I remember being so confused why she did that, cos I thought she would laugh. I felt like I did something wrong. ‘Was I meant to lie? But I don’t like to lie’ I’d think. The great thing about a diary is that you never have to lie to them. They are incredibly understanding.

All this to say I think that’s why I’m so drawn to writers like David foster Wallace and Charles Bukowski. I love honesty. I like deep, authentic people. So curious. I want to understand. And I think maybe I do. It’s why I’m so curious about people’s parents, their childhoods and I love people watching. Why I can’t bear to see a child hurt. Why I sometimes can’t stand the sight of alcohol. It’s definitely shaped my views and tastes in art and literature. My moral compass. My dreams. My style of love.

We’ve all got such interesting (sometimes a little dark) unique yet similar stories.

From people watching I learnt that social interaction is the secret ingredient to longevity ❤️‍🔥 love people - not things - even if it hurts to love them.

I know this is going to sound odd but I wouldn’t change anything about my past for many reasons but one is because It made me who I am and I like who I am - not perfect at all but deeply emotional with a need to understand. That’s not too bad, I think. I’m like slightly overcooked pasta. Still edible to someone who doesn’t mind the texture. That’s the secret to making real friends, too. If your friend doesn’t want to bite you, then they probably aren’t right for you.

That’s just my feeling as a completely inexperienced 29 year old who has barely traveled and is still figuring life out.

Just thinking out loud. Again.

Alright, I’m going to get back to reading 🫂

I’m feeling awfully inspired lately ❤️‍🔥

Sorry for starting the note off so direct. I just find it so ridiculous that people use the word ‘unalive’ on YouTube. We created words to express ourselves and communicate. We should have power over the words we want to use, words shouldn’t have power over us - if that makes sense.

Hi! I'm Mary from Norway! I came across a youtube interview where Nostr got introduced. Nice to meet you! ☺️ #introduction

Hmm that’s interesting. I’m quite undecided on a lot of these ideas, so could see the arguments both ways.

But I feel like ultimately what humans represent is a sort of middle way in its own right, a kind of hybrid. We are entities capable of accessing both the ‘oneness’ and the individualism/ego.

And in our current state we are the very product of the struggle between God and Satan, the direct result of both forces pushing against each other. That’s quite remarkable I think and doesn’t seem like a flawed or unwanted outcome to me.

I also sometimes like to think of this in terms of turing completeness (it’s really intriguing how all religions, science, even computer science seem to point to the same thing).

Basically humans and this universe as a whole are a turing complete system. There are no restrictions, no safety nets. Anything is possible in both extremes. And we are exploring this system from within, in a constant struggle to maintain balance.

Dinner for friends #foodstr

I agree far too many people trust a preacher and a "church" for their eternal life and won't simple pick up the Bible and read it. A preacher will never save you. Only Jesus can save us and already has. Our bodies are the church. We are the church. Jesus has purchased us with his blood.

Yeah it is God, but Satan is ultimately also God’s creation.

I get an impression as if the whole story shows the creation of the two extremes, almost as if it was a conversation or a debate happening within God itself, illustrated metaphorically.

Then ultimately Jesus shows the middle way.

In terms of what is too reckless/just enough, I think recklessness comes from engaging in ego-driven activity while forgetting that it’s ultimately an illusion. Following your heart might be fine as long as you remain aware of its absurdity and deception. Just as playing a video game is fine as long as you don’t confuse it with base reality. That also allows you to know when to stop based on your own judgement. A judgement rooted in awareness not ego.

How advanced, or what types of advancement, would it take to convince you to get a cybernetic brain implant in the future?

-Substantially improves a major disability (blindness, paralysis, brain damage, etc)

-Boosts sensory abilities beyond normal (eyesight, hearing, etc).

-Boosts IQ or some other meaningful metric of intelligence and computation, thereby increasing your competitiveness in multiple fields. Becomes basically necessary for some fields due to many others doing it.

-Lets you enter VR with all five senses in a way that feels like 80-90% realistic but can be any environment/context. People make increasingly awe-inspiring virtual experiences/worlds, only accessible this way.

-Substantially increases the bandwidth with which you can interface with computers. Like, lets you download a ton of info quickly.

I’ve been thinking about the same kind of thing recently, although looking at it more from the buddhist perspective of the ego.

Perhaps God vs Satan could be interpreted not as good vs evil, but instead as the difference between the ‘the unified eternal existence’, vs the singular ‘I’ with its desires, drives, etc. The difference between the form and the formless.

From that perspective I think anything related to personal desire, including many creative and productive endeavours, could be placed in the ‘Satan’ category.

The feelings related to following your heart too recklessly are similar to the ones you might have after chasing your career, creative endeavours, or even ‘self development’ too recklessly as well.

This in turn led me to think that maybe the whole interpretation of Satan as strictly evil is backwards - it’s only evil if you get lost in it and lose balance.

If the whole world was entirely aligned with God, devoid of personal drives, we’d live in a world of monks, without all the unique beauty and flavour that some aspects of the ego can bring.

It seems like the tension between these 2 forces is what brings all the beauty, and threading the middle way might be the best path.

The New Testament seems like a really good representation of this idea - God, the formless, taking on a human form. Perhaps reconciling with Satan in the process?

All

No. Still on my bucket list

No, what do the Japanese have for breakfast?

Be the change you wish to see in the world. 🧡

WHEN YOU PRIORITIZE POPULARITY OVER INTEGRITY YOU LOSE BOTH.

GOOD MORNING NOSTR 🤘

TCP/IP OG here. This book is from 1991. I’ve seen this movie before with the internet. BTC/NOSTR/LN/ECASH feels like 1991, but for open financial networks this time around. I’m not going to miss the disruptive wave.

Kind of you to say but it’s my truth. Took many years to come to balance & acceptance.

Disagree. I felt evil for most of my life.