How does Harry Houdini tell people to steal stuff? Straight jack it.

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What happens when you get some vinegar in your ear? You suffer from pickled hearing!

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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

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Why don't cats play poker in the jungle... ...theres too many cheet-ahs

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What's a martini's favorite garnish? Olive 'em!

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I heard a great joke about a boomerang earlier. I'm sure it will come back to me eventually.

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Did y'all hear the one about the professional jump-roper? Never mind. *Skip it*.

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Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.

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What's worse than a centipede with sore feet? A giraffe with a sore throat

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One fifth of people... ...are just too tense!

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Why does a milking stool have only three legs? Because the cow has the udder!

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What side of a leopard has the most spots? The outside

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I try not to spend too much time online, but Wi-Fight it?

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What instrument does God play? He plays the cello. As it says in scripture: "Our God is a cellist God."

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Who was the chicken's favorite musician? BAAAACH BACH BACH BACH

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What is Jackie Chan's favorite drink? Wata

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What's the difference between a fish and a guitar? You can't tuna fish!

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Why is Yoda afraid of seven? Because six seven eight.

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I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago... and so far, all it's been doing is gathering dust.

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There's a wreath hanging on my door with hundred dollar bills attached. I call it an Aretha Franklin.

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