Who's the world's greatest underwater spy? Pond. James Pond.

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Wash the alligator clips with rubbing alcohol during flu season Protect yourself from catching a terminal illness.

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Why were Wrigley, Doublemint, and Orbit watching CNN? To find out the latest on gum control legislation.

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Why do galaxies put on boring shows while separated? Because their performance is lack-cluster.

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What did they call the Pillsbury Doughboy after he hurt his leg? Limp Biscuit

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What's faster hot or cold? Hot! Because anyone can catch a cold! buh duh tsst

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How do you kill bread? Bake it for a little while, and it will be toast.

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My shower had a bit of mildew- -but all it took was a little... scrubbing!!!

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What do gamers plant in their garden? Skill trees!

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Why does not a forth-grader ever take the bus home? Because he knew his parents will make him return it.

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I went to the store and asked for a one handed sailor... he said sorry, "I'm a wholesaler."

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What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot

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What cars do wolves drive? Auuuuuuuuuuudis!

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How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!

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I came up with a joke about my old cell phone Nevermind, it tends to get terrible reception

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What's so great about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

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Where did Napoleon Bonaparte keep his armies? In his sleevies.

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Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? He had no *body* to go with

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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl use the restroom? Because the *p* is silent

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What do you call a discounted Zuckerberg? Marked down!

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