What happens when your cousin eats all the Pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving? Plump kin!
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Why did the grocery delivery guy get fired? He drove people bananas!
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Why did the chicken lay an egg? (Quoted from daughter at age 3) To get food for her babies!
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What do you call thrusting a hairy rod in and out of your mouth really fast then afterwards spitting out a white liquid? Brushing your teeth
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Why was the tomato blushing? Because it saw the salad dressing.
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I heard a great joke about a boomerang earlier. I'm sure it will come back to me eventually.
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Which cheese is the loneliest? Prov-alone!
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What do you call a cashew in space? An astronut.
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All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh... But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.
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When I grow old, I am sure I will look back at my life and say "aaaah! my neck hurts"
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I hear that in Star Wars VIII they're going to introduce Han's perpetually depressed younger brother. His name is Y Solo.
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I find hanging around in coffee shops A great way to espresso yourself
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Kids, I don't know if our ceiling is the best ceiling... but it's definitely up there.
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I was eating mint chocolates and I felt sick after eight.
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Want to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind it is too cheesy.
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Why is Yoda afraid of seven? Because six seven eight.
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What celebrity never payed with a cheque or credit? Johnny Cash.
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Two dogs are going on a walk down the street They walk past a few parking meters and one dog says to the other, "Hey, check it out! Pay toilets!"
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Why do gorillas have such big nostrils? Cos they got big fingers.
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