There was a depressed sausage... he thought his life was THE WURST.

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What's faster hot or cold? Hot! Because anyone can catch a cold! buh duh tsst

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I went to the dermatologist about something on my neck- -and they said I just needed to scrub it!!!

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How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A Brazilian.

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What do you call a nose without a body? Nobody knows...

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How do you prepare for a party in space? You planet

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Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up the pants.

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Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.

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What celebrity never payed with a cheque or credit? Johnny Cash.

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Want to hear a dirty joke? horse fell in the mud!

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Why was the hula hoop a great boxer? It could go round for round.

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What has six eyes but cannot see? Three men in a house with dirty dishes in the sink, laundry that needs to be folded and kids that need a bath

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We don't allow faster-than-light neutrinos in here, says the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.

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When do you know you are getting a good deal on a boat? When there's a sail on it.

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Why was the tank top more gangster than the tube top? The tube top was strapless.

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A termite walks into a pub And asks "where's the bar tender?"

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I used to work at an orange juice factory... I ended up getting fired because I couldn't concentrate.

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What do you call a fish with no eyes? ....a fssshhh...

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What did they call the Pillsbury Doughboy after he hurt his leg? Limp Biscuit

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I went in to a pet shop and said, Can I buy a goldfish? The guy said, Do you want an aquarium? I said, I don't care what star sign it is.

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