I'm going to stand outside... So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.

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Why did the scale decide that the scam artists were heavier than the novels? Because the cons outweighed the prose.

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A skeleton walks into a bar orders a beer and a mop.

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Why is ok to leave the lid off a basket of socialist crabs? Because whenever one of them climbs to the top, the others drag it back down.

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Knock knock. Who's there? Well, not your parents, because your parents never knock!

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What do you call a bald porcupine? Pointless!

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What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

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What's the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles" because there is a mile between each S!

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What do you say when you find two banana peels together? Answer: A pair of slipper

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Why couldn't the woman date a German man? Because she was Klaustrophobic!

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Two atoms walk into a bar... One says, "Oh no, I've lost an electron." The other asks, "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

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What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow? A stern rebuke from the Ethics Committee, and an immediate cessation of funding.

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What did the rubber band factory worker say when he was fired? Oh snap!

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Cogito Ergo Spud. I think, therefore I yam.

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Why did the frog go to the doctor? He had a croak in his voice.

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Why does the dog go to the gym? He wants to get ruff

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What did the butcher say when he handed his customer an empty pack of hotdogs on halloween? Happy halloweenie

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Shout out to... baseball players who have three strikes.

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Why do gorillas have such big nostrils? Cos they got big fingers.

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What is a vampire's favorite fruit? a Neck-tarine --From a great co-worker

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