I find hanging around in coffee shops A great way to espresso yourself
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Who is William Shatner's mythical nemesis? The Lepre-khaaaaannnnn!!!!!
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Two atoms walk into a bar... One says, "Oh no, I've lost an electron." The other asks, "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
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Every morning I run around the block 5 times... ...Then I slide the block back under the bed and go back to sleep
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Don't you hate jokes about German sausage? They're the wurst!
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Where did the seaweed... Where did the seaweed find a job? In the "Kelp Wanted" section of the want-ads.
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Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn't peeling well.
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Roses are red Poppies are red The grass is red Oh no my yard is on fire
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Why is ok to leave the lid off a basket of socialist crabs? Because whenever one of them climbs to the top, the others drag it back down.
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Why did the puppy get away with committing murder? ...He had paws-able deniability.
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I came up with a joke about my old cell phone Nevermind, it tends to get terrible reception
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What's an idealist vegetarian's favorite meal? Peas and hominy
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What is the difference between a Siberian husky and an Alaskan husky? About 1500 miles.
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If I ever fire someone who is a Taylor Swift fan I'll say "I knew you were trouble when you clocked in."
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I once ate a watch. It was time consuming, I didn't go back for seconds.
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What is a traveler's favorite font? Times New Roamin'!
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How much did the pirate charge for corn? He sold them for a buccaneer.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping in Delaware? Don't worry, he eventually woke up.
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What does the horse call the pigs on his farm? Neigh-boars.
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