Hopscotch would be a lot more challenging if the kids actually had scotch..
Me: What song will you sing when you see me naked? Bad Company's Feel like Makin' Love?
Wife: Ozzy Osbourne's Bark at the Moon.
"I dropped the ball"
- things you never wanna hear during a Vasectomy
When I see people running to catch the elevator I'm on I yell "HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!".
When I was a kid all I wanted in the world was to become a pro athlete, but now that I'm older all I really want is to be on Drunk History.
I'm pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I'm not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Top three phrases uttered in our household, in order of frequency: 1. "I burped." 2. "I love you." 3. "I farted."
Shot my first turkey today.. scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section...
I've asked a question, ignored the answer and been too ashamed to ask again, way more times than I'd like to admit.
I put vodka in my Powerade because happiness and electrolytes are both important.
I bet the cooler math nerds call each other Alge-brahs.
If you don't need to start your day with coffee, I don't trust you.
When I have to bite my tongue, my middle finger always speaks up for me.
Hey imbecile, just because you are listening to loud music on your iPod, doesn't mean that the rest of the supermarket can't hear you fart.
I go to Taco Bell and throw in random adjectives to see if they notice. "I'll have the Cheesy Double Sweaty Burrito."