What am I even doing

I was supposed to do an open mic tonight but got paranoid about the smell of burning rubber that keeps coming from my car when I drive it for more than five minutes. I kept picturing breaking down on one of those massively tall flyovers. If that actually happened I probably wouldn't even be able to get out of the car, I would probably die of fright like a rabbit, just tachycardia until my heart explodes in my little prey animal chest.

I think I am too paralyzed by fear but my fears come from somewhere. Whether their origin is legitimate or not I don't know. Ever since I got sober I oscillate between devil-may-care cavalier funtime and very paranoid and neurotic ball of tightly tangled yarn. I have to talk myself into being in the in-between. I have to convince myself it is the best course of action--my natural state is in the extremes.

I am terrified of being stuck indoors again. I need to take the rail into town or something tomorrow and buy a cheap shitty coffee for six dollars and politely decline to give money to homeless people or something. I need to go to the botanical garden that's like 30 minutes away and look at some plants and snails and what have you.

All these things I need to do, and I don't do, daily i don't do them and I neglect myself and my progress and it won't be good if I continue this pattern.

I have ghosted my AA people for the last time I think. They are too evangelical, there are too many rules and traditions, too much weird jargon and indecipherable shorthand that I never bothered learning. They claim they are not religious but stress believing in spiritual things and adhering to the doctrine of a holy book. I never had a burning bush moment and I don't think I ever will.

However I do feel more connected to the people around me and less othered by the past. I no longer feel exceptionally persecuted, damaged, and wronged. I'm fucked up in the same way every fucked up person is. I'm grateful that I'm nothing special.

It is 2 AM now. I guess I can wait and see what 3 AM has in store for me or I can take some melatonin and lay down while some youtuber with a british accent drones me to sleep talking about diogenes or quantum computing or something.

Oh, and hello and I am glad to be here. I'm such a slut for new and exciting social media.

Definitely the Iraqi notes. Seeing Saddam on them was wild!

My condolences. I think I lost my collection when I moved away and left it in family storage where someone found the binder and exchanged it.

“Little One” happened to have some leftover India currency that she didn’t bother to exchange. She gave me this 10 rupees note since its USD worth is about $0.12 as of this post. Reminds me of my travel days when I’d keep foreign tender. 🤌

Can all you geniuses stop making microblogging apps and invent a good, affordable pillow instead, please?

GN

were banning pennys