Nature Valley bars make so many crumbs because they want you to eat them
outside.
-LawrenceThickweiner, Apr 2014
I really hope Jeff Dunham carefully invested all that money from the 8 months
when everyone thought he was funny.
-Naznarreb, Oct 2014
If dismembering someone means to take off their limbs, shouldn't remembering
someone mean putting them back together?
-Nigelmoore212, Dec 2015
I think of all you people as my minions working hard to find funny and
interesting things for me on the internet.
-TheOmegaMale, Sep 2015
Facebook is where you lie to your friends. Reddit is where you're honest with
strangers.
-TheGnuGuy, Jan 2015
The best way to dispose of a human is to throw it to pigs. The best way to
dispose of a pig is to throw it to humans.
-Milosky, Jan 2015
They should make episodes of How It's Made where they don't tell you what item
they are making until the end.
-jzkhockey, Aug 2016
My so-called "action figures" just stand there.
-Propane13, Nov 2013
Maybe aliens haven't visited us because they live millions of light years away
and think there are only dinosaurs on our planet.
-cscottaxp, Apr 2016
Water (blue) + Sun (yellow) = Plants (green)
-TimeIsWasted, Mar 2015
There needs to be a YouTube series of a no-nonsense cop who watches famous
scenes from Disney movies and tells us what illegal things are happening and
what type of punishment they would get.
-Fanshelpmesleep, Jun 2016
Are medusa's pubes snakes?
-Guava_, Jan 2015
"Stop agreeing with me!" creates an instant paradox.
-SergeantGrumbles, Aug 2013
I don't care if people know I watch porn, I care if they know what kind of
porn I watch.
-Binost, Sep 2016
When I leave a safe gap in front of me on the road, it's not an invitation for
you to overtake me and fill it.
-Breeze_in_the_Trees, Aug 2016
There's a place in London with £9.00 coffee. My t-shirt cost £6. If I spilt
some on my t-shirt I'd be annoyed that I'd got t-shirt on my coffee
-devonperson, Sep 2015
Sometimes I wonder how many strangers I saw last year are now dead.
-Anson845, Sep 2016
Smoking cigarettes is a great way to commit suicide if you're a
procrastinator.
-micheldeveon, Jul 2016
The word OK looks like a sideways person. I've said OK my whole life and never
noticed him.
-Tmaffa, Apr 2016
Peter Dinklage is a star. A white dwarf, to be more accurate.
-Panyeman, Dec 2014