Silence is the only thing that's easier done than said.

-fluorescentheart, Nov 2015

'Queue' has to be one of the weirdest words in English: a single spoken letter

followed by four silent vowels. A word that is 80% style over substance.

-Eirezona, Apr 2015

I never realize how explicit my music is until my parents hear it in the car.

-sms1234, Aug 2016

If you lower your standards enough, there are literally thousands if not

millions of people who are attracted to you and would marry you in a second.

-ass2ssa, Sep 2016

Every year, reddit should take that year's top 12 submissions from

/r/earthporn and turn them into a calendar, and sell it on the reddit

marketplace.

--rabid-, Dec 2014

Me not being able to watch "The Interview" is the first real time I've ever

directly been affected by North Korea

-Professor_Plop, Dec 2014

People born on 08/08/08 turn 8 today

-10d1, Aug 2016

My birth control pills are like a shitty advent calendar for my period.

-[deleted], Aug 2016

Reddit is just like your fridge: you keep going back to it every 30 seconds

when you're bored.

-Sullivanm01, Sep 2016

"It's Raining Men," and "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor," are about the same

event, but wildly different perspectives.

-Charli-was-here, Jun 2016

If the only certainties in life are death and taxes, the most secure job in

the world is an accountant at a funeral home.

-plfa, Jan 2016

I hope The Simpsons is cancelled before any of the main voice actors die

because a family death episode would be too weird

-bigshittytruckdriver, May 2016

The best time to burn down your workplace is right after someone else gets

fired.

-thewritingchair, Nov 2015

When I was younger, spending $20 on DVD's and eating from the dollar menu was

a regular occurrence. Now, I spend $20 making dinner and rent movies for a

dollar.

-MethodMikey, Feb 2016

"Taking candy from a baby" would actually be a responsible thing to do.

-DjBravo_, Oct 2016

Idea for a gay bar name: Members Only

-iamstealthor, Apr 2015

I just read the word "emerged" out loud as "ermehgerd." Memes have ruined me.

-machobeef, Oct 2016

If Arkham Asylum is really an asylum, Batman beat the ever loving shit out the

mentally handicapped

-Predatormagnet, Oct 2015

There should be a button next to NSFW reddit posts to open the links in the

incognito mode of your browser

-i_reddit_now, Jul 2016

My dog gets scared of thunder unless I'm nearby. On some level, he trusts that

I can fight off something that can shake our house.

-Davidhallen, Aug 2016