I correct autocorrect more than it corrects me.

-bobbyzee, Jan 2016

It would be ironic if in 2020 we elect a blind president.

-Jatipi, Aug 2014

If I had a dollar for every time I considered suicide, I'd want to live

instead

-YulliaTy, Oct 2016

Wherever a fatal car crash or pedestrian death occurs, a red square with the

year of the accident should be permanently included in the pavement. Seeing a

lot of red squares in a given location would make drivers and pedestrians more

careful.

-KubrickIsMyCopilot, May 2016

Riding in a cop car after being arrested is the exact opposite of the Cash

Cab. The flashing lights are on the outside, you know the answers but don't

want to say, they take you somewhere you don't want to go, and they take your

cash at the end.

-MyWorkThrowawayShhhh, Sep 2014

If you pay entry fee to a marathon, they literally give you a run for your

money.

-Prittfire, Sep 2014

It must be really tough to play a "Q" tile in Scrabble in England when you

have to waste the "U" on words like "colour" and "labour".

-buckyboy28, Jun 2015

I wonder if I'll ever have to write Earth at the bottom of a postal address

-Leeroy909, Oct 2015

The snooze button on your phone should get smaller and smaller each time your

press it

-Genki21, Oct 2015

I will one day flip through my kid's school history book and find it strange

to have been alive during some of its chapters

-QrtJester, Mar 2016

Why aren't cereal bags zip-loc yet?

-Not_your_pot_dealer, Jan 2016

In t-shirt sizes, XL > L > M, but it's the opposite in roman numerals

-paperhat, Feb 2015

If the Bachelor was Mormon, the show would only be 1 episode.

-Urwinator, Sep 2013

If you cant find an American flag to face during the anthem, you could just

face the Moon.

-Jtaltstatt, Jul 2015

Any machine can be a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough.

-okayyeahbutmaybe, Sep 2016

Eminem always worried about his daughter not fitting in because of his

explicit rapping. A clean-rapping father didn't seem to help Jaden Smith fit

in at all

-MrRykler, Jan 2016

Since the popularity of cell phones, it became a lot more socially acceptable

to hang out by yourself in a parking lot.

-[deleted], Dec 2015

Anytime I see a dog with 3 legs I feel really bad but then I realize he looks

at me with 2 legs and I probably give him inspiration

-bean0s0rz, Mar 2015

"Keep your head up" would be a great slogan for a Viagra add.

-BasedKorn, Oct 2014

Everyone actually has 3 voices, the one in your head, the one you hear when

you talk and the one that everyone else hears instead.

-stillegal, May 2014