If there was an alien race whose morality is inverted (our good is their bad)

and we ever make contact we'd try to be nice to them but they'll get pissed

off and react to our behavior, but we will just think they're being nice too.

-ianelinon, Nov 2014

The vast majority of toilet paper is either used to wipe the part of your body

that smells or the part of your body that smells.

-El_Poeta_No, Aug 2016

Bathtubs are just reverse boats...

-[deleted], Apr 2013

I hope I never go to jail because I haven't memorized a phone number since

2001.

-[deleted], Aug 2015

People who skip church to watch football probably do more praying than they

would have in church anyway.

-gbrenneriv, Sep 2015

Whoever discovered popcorn must have freaked the fuck out.

-Omny87, Oct 2016

If I was a school teacher, I'd intentionally use memes incorrectly, just to

drive the little shits crazy

-GutturalPatois, Jan 2016

Google is the place you go when you have a question. Reddit is where you go to

find the questions you would never have ever thought to ask.

-Coltrainz, Aug 2016

The word Colonel is just a a big F U to anyone trying to learn English.

--Krat0s-, May 2016

Companies should make more interesting 5 second adverts as I'm going to skip

them on Youtube anyway.

-DarthLordi, Sep 2016

The operation to undo a zombie apocalypse should be codenamed CTRL+Z

-nikatosa, May 2015

Everyone is praising Boyhood for letting us see a child grow up on screen, but

at the same time they're ignoring the fact that Harry Potter did it first,

with an entire cast of children.

-Lizard_The_Redstoner, Mar 2015

If your house burns down, there is probably a point where some food is

perfectly cooked before it's over.

-Guenta, Feb 2016

As a child, going to bed at 8PM feels like punishment. As an adult, going to

bed at 8PM feels like a reward.

-shakedspeare, Apr 2016

The only correct answer to "Are you sleeping?" is "No."

-TitanicMan, Jun 2015

When someone gives you their phone number, it's like them giving you the

password to talk to them.

-R6dave000, Apr 2015

Reddit is like a friend that you think is really funny at first until you

realize that they just repeat the same jokes over and over again.

-HumanOfTheYear2013, Jul 2015

Autocorrect probably thinks there's an epidemic of people who have trouble

spelling "duck".

-acthrellis, Nov 2014

As a bald, hairy man, I should probably shampoo my body and use body wash soap

on my head.

-BrandonThe, Dec 2015

Does medusa have pubes and if do, are they Also snakes?

-Bernard_PT, Apr 2016