North Korea and China are like friends that used to do lots of drugs together,

but China has cleaned up a lot and really doesn't know what to do about his

still-tweaking friend.

-Yymmeh, Mar 2016

If two pregnant women get into a fistfight, it's like a mech battle between

two babies

-sheepsleepdeep, Apr 2016

Mosquitoes are the original "Why're you hitting yourself?" bully.

-AvengedTurtleFold, May 2015

As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing angers me quite as much as seeing a vegetarian

eating pudding.

-Loudsilences, Jul 2016

In a submarine battle you can be under fire, underwater, on fire, and taking

on water all at the same time.

-Snoopislurking, May 2016

Having a pet is weird if you think about it. You don't speak the same

language, you create a strong bond by rubbing against each other and sleeping

together, and you might accidentally step on their tail once in a while but at

the end of the day, you're best friends from entirely different species.

-StarfishChris, Jan 2015

Reddit is like a drug. It was exciting and fun at the start, now I just do it

because it feels normal.

-Magstem, Jul 2015

Unless you're a celebrity, Twitter is like talking to yourself in a crowded

room.

-Sir_Vyvin, Feb 2014

I'm still hopeful that I'll see a girl I know or an ex on one of the nsfw/gone

wild subs.

-NowFreeToMaim, Sep 2015

Most teenagers pull their phone out of their pocket to check the time. We have

reverted to a society that uses pocket watches.

-[deleted], Apr 2016

If you were really serious about punishing stores that open on Thanksgiving,

you'd buy a bunch of stuff the prior week, then return it all on Thanksgiving,

giving them negative revenue for being open that day.

-[deleted], Nov 2014

Scary movies should put high pitched sounds only dogs can hear so your dog

will start acting crazy for (seemingly) no reason at the scariest parts.

-mack1128, Oct 2015

Batman still lives at home in his parents basement

-Dolanduck1, Jul 2016

I wonder if my cat thinks my plant did something wrong when I mist it with a

spray bottle

-randomhoneyballs, Aug 2014

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself when he is ironing

-[deleted], Mar 2016

The last line of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" is quite existential for a

children's song.

-sp4ce, Nov 2014

Crabs are basically battle spiders

-shittypotatosalad, Dec 2015

We will only pay a few dollars for cow meat but we will pay hundreds of

dollars for cow skin

-heykarlll, Aug 2016

Saying "I pay your salary so I am your boss!" to a cop is like saying "I pay

social security so I own the old people!"

-UncannyFart, Oct 2016

The only reason you're mad at your past self for procrastinating, is because

you want to procrastinate now.

-ViktorKruchev, Apr 2016