Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you. You feel more paranoid than

protected?

-bbttrraann, Sep 2014

I hate when people say 'tuna fish' sandwich. I don't say I'm having a 'chicken

bird' or 'beef mammal' sandwich.

-lddiamond, Apr 2016

Every person sees the world in a unique way. When someone dies it is, in a

way, the death of an entire world.

-lateralus141, Oct 2014

When you're over at a couple's place, there's almost a 100% chance they've had

sex on the couch they expect you to sit on.

-DoubleSpinalTap, Jul 2015

At this point the phrase "beating a dead horse" should be replaced with

"beating a dead gorilla"

-partint, Sep 2016

Being attracted to women or men who wear glasses is the one fetish for the

disabled that is socially acceptable

-MojarraMuncher, Apr 2016

Those who make a big deal out of people sharing 99% of genes with chimps don't

mention that people also share 50% of genes with bananas

-jursla, Oct 2016

Does an inside-out bag contain the universe?

-BigGuyUpstairs, Jul 2014

My time at the university was like that moment in Interstellar where they make

a small mistake and lose 7 years of their lives

-poushkar, May 2016

I correct autocorrect more than it corrects me.

-bobbyzee, Jan 2016

"Where are you" is probably the least used phrase in sign language.

-SpaaloneBabagus, Sep 2016

There are approximately as many boobs as there are humans in the world.

-Bandage, Jan 2014

People who say "Family First" or "Family Is Everything" almost always have the

most fucked up family dynamics.

-Got_That_Suga, Mar 2016

There are 1.2 billion cars on the road right now. One of our biggest goals is

to keep them from touching.

-bikerdudend, Jul 2016

A girl saying "I want to have a baby" is ironically the best form of birth

control for me.

-sunduhawk, Sep 2015

I had no involvement in your life at all until you read this sentence

-captainjoo, Dec 2014

All marijuana is considered medical marijuana if you believe laughter is the

best medicine.

-ThatLonelyAstronaut, Aug 2016

I will consider myself an adult when I can consistently and correctly cook the

amount of pasta I need to eat

-MrGrayandPink, Oct 2016

The 'old me' was younger.

-theribler, Feb 2016

"Netflix and chill" has to be one of the largest unintentional ad campaigns in

history

-HS_Highruleking, Oct 2015