Snails would be a lot scarier if they were fast.

-phatmakgmc, Dec 2015

We left the decision on the future of the United Kingdom with the same people

who came up with Boaty McBoatface.

-Dudleyshwam, Jun 2016

I don't get why people are upset we haven't invented hover-boards by 2015 when

according to the same movie, we should've had a time machine back in in 1985.

-CIRCLJERK_REPOST_BOT, Oct 2016

r/nofap is one big circle jerk over not jerking off

-liltormented, Oct 2014

In 40 years we will think of words like "swag" "cray" and "totes" like we do

now with "golly" "darn tootin" and "gee whiz."

-batmanforhire, Apr 2015

We're the only species that pays to live on earth.

-Belugs, Oct 2013

You have already seen some people for the last time

-LMAO_USERNAMES, Feb 2014

If I have ever drank to forget, it worked.

-Peefy, Jun 2014

Hitler masturbated.

-Artyomic, Oct 2013

Whenever I type 'etc...' It usually means I'm completely out of examples.

-darrenphillipjones, Apr 2016

The Onion should publish a real article every year on April 1st.

-Ferguson97, Jan 2016

They should make a lesbian version of grindr called scissr

-THAT_WAS_TITS, Apr 2015

When a British person says they have a bloody nose, it sounds like they're

angry at the fact that they have a nose.

-PlutoEra, Oct 2014

If I die in my sleep people will say "at least he died doing something he

loved".

-badlydrunkboy, Aug 2016

My dog gets scared of thunder unless I'm nearby. On some level, he trusts that

I can fight off something that can shake our house.

-Davidhallen, Aug 2016

You should be able to park in the "expecting mothers" parking spots at the

mall if you are waiting to pick up your mother.

-classlessjerk, May 2014

Think of all the medieval chefs who were put to death for "poisoning" kings

that had nut allergies.

-RGarret21, Oct 2013

Time travel either has always existed, or it never will.

-codydf, May 2016

If Netflix really wants people to stop sharing accounts and pay individually,

they should just start offering porn

-the_mystery_snail, Mar 2016

We're 244 Popes away from Pope DMX

-sexual_inurendo, Oct 2015