If my cat licks its own ass, I doubt it gives a fuck what flavor of cat food I

buy.

-IXenomorph9605, Jul 2015

The people that design bills/coins (dollar, euros etc.) are paid with their

own work.

-Thaenor, Jan 2015

I wish there were an option to send a low priority text message that doesn't

notify the recipient until they unlock their phone.

-Squid2012, Apr 2016

The look of frustration I give my gf as she takes forever to get ready to go

is the same look my dog gives me as I put on socks and shoes before being able

to take him out

-Lionessandlover, May 2016

Instead of a finale The Simpsons should just keep retiring characters as all

the voice actors die. The final episode will just be shots of an empty

Springfield.

-macrowive, Nov 2013

If your pocket was jingling with coins 200 years ago you were likely a rich

man, now if you have change filled pockets you are likely a poor man.

-Neo_Satan, Oct 2015

When Americans talk about the day they declared independence from Great

Britain, the don't say the actual date the American way (July 4th), they say

it the British way (4th of July)

-ern999, Jun 2015

People think we can make contact with aliens, but fail to realize we can't

even communicate with other species here on earth.

-Stephen_Harold, Sep 2016

I wonder how many awkward things people have said to me I've completely

forgotten about but still makes someone cringe randomly when they are trying

to sleep.

-SugaBoyOsheean, May 2016

The difference between being a high school state champion for the 100 meter

dash and being the fastest man on Earth is 1 second.

--Lach, Aug 2016

Weights in a gym should all be of the same size, but hollowed out according to

their mass so newbies don't feel shy about lifting.

-_vr, Apr 2015

Butterfinger should host a bowl game, and invite the two teams that had the

most fumbles during the regular season.

-cptncivil, Sep 2014

Baby Boomers were the generation of rebellion yet cant handle that their

children dont want to live the way they did.

-InsaneUpboat, Aug 2016

Pharrell Williams and Will Ferrell have reverse names

-BurtMacklin23, Feb 2015

If every atom in your body is replaced every seven years, does that mean that

if I don't have sex for 7 years my penis is technically a virgin?

-postymcpostpost, Aug 2015

How many trees does it take before you start calling it a forest?

-PlumbsWithWolves, Jun 2016

As a child I spent 25 cents for about four minutes of an arcade game, but as

an adult I won't pay $1 for a Mobile game I play for hours.

-boldfacelies, Nov 2015

It's called an atlas because it carries the world

-casvanr, Aug 2015

As I get older, I've realized that part of being an adult is being tired all

the time and trying to find different ways to deal with it.

-ProdigyLightshow, Oct 2016

If Voldemort really wanted to kill harry potter the night the spell didn't

work on him he could've just picked him up and thrown him out a window given

the fact that he was a one year old infant.

-missinganthropy, Dec 2013