Taking medicine when you're sick is essentially your body electing to hire

mercenaries to fight the war for you.

-Trinate3618, Jan 2016

What if people staring at you are time tourists who came back in time to see

you because in the future you're famous?

-Werben1agerman1ensen, Oct 2015

Mitch Hedberg was the king of shower thoughts

-algebraicdomination, Feb 2014

One morning I'll wake up,open Reddit and find out my country is at war

-givemefooddragon, Jan 2016

I know more about WWII, which happened 50 years before I was born, than I do

about the war Iraq War, which happened while I was alive

-joeykip, Mar 2015

I'm so glad I live in a country where my first reaction to loud bangs is "Some

kids with fireworks" and not "some maniac with a gun"

-GaiusSherlockCaesar, Aug 2015

In the span of my lifetime, 5 dollars has gone from being worth 5 roast beef

sandwiches to not even a single subway sandwich.

-large-farva, Mar 2016

I know more about WWII, which happened 50 years before I was born, than I do

about the war Iraq War, which happened while I was alive

-joeykip, Mar 2015

If you were pushed through a hallway toward your death with no way to stop and

no way to turn back, you'd be pretty terrified. Yet this is how we experience

time.

-maddsc17, Aug 2016

Alcohol is the fountain of youth for the brain. As you drink more, your

judgment gets worse, you lose the ability to drive, and eventually to walk and

talk. Finally, after some involuntary excretions you enter a comatose state

after which you feel like your head's been pushed through a small hole.

-preposte, Sep 2015

At 27.44mph top speed, it is illegal for Usain Bolt to run in a school zone.

-Bodybuilder-Vince, Sep 2016

The only reason I look into other people's cars is to confirm the stereotype

of their driving.

-midjuneau, Oct 2016

Being a teenager is the awkward stage where you like adults more than the

kids, but the kids like you more than the adults do.

-African_AIDS, Dec 2015

Teenagers drive like they have limited time & old people drive like they

have all the time in the world.

-lizee_helene, Aug 2014

The difference between being a high school state champion for the 100 meter

dash and being the fastest man on Earth is 1 second.

--Lach, Aug 2016

Stranger Things had to be set in the 80s because half their problems could

have been solved if everyone had a cell phone.

-SaraBellum42, Oct 2016

Girls are more comfortable being naked around each other because they don't

have to worry about getting an accidental erection and making things awkward.

-birdington1, May 2015

If there are psychics, they're probably not wasting their talent working as

psychics.

-50missioncap, May 2014

I spent my early 20's trying to get new games to play on old computers and I

spent my late 30's trying to get old games to play on new computers

-CIRCLJERK_REPOST_BOT, Jun 2016

I just now realized the connection between the words "timid" and "intimidate"

-Why--Not--Zoidberg, Mar 2015