We went through this a bit over a year ago. (This might be a contrary opinion to most, and only you can decide what's best for you and your loved one! ) I felt exactly the same way: It was so much worse to have to choose.
We decided NOT to go the euthanasia route, and at one point we realized we did not want to play god and choose exactly when he would die. We wavered back and forth for weeks and even once scheduled an in-home appointment, but ended up cancelling only an hour before. We just couldn't do it. Once we made that ultimate decision, a massive burden was lifted off of our souls, and we could enjoy what was left of his last days. Whatever time we had left. That morning was one of the best he had in weeks, and he was almost as active and alert as he was before the sickness. A beautiful day that would have been lost forever. For us, the certainty of death was lifted, and whatever was to come was left to fate. We had an amazing breakfast, called in to work, and sat with him the entire day in the grass, reading, watching. Knowing that every single minute from this moment forward was truly a gift.
Five weeks later he died in my arms in the sunshine on our front porch. And still I swear I wouldn't trade a minute of those painful five weeks for anything.
The weeks in between were literally one of the hardest times in my entire life. We didn't sleep much, and yes, we saw him often in pain. But we kept him comfortable as possible (skip the meds they can make things worse, and look into RSO oil instead), fed him his favorite foods for every single meal, helped him to the bathroom. Loved him for everything he had given to us and also for the lessons he was continuing to teach us every single day up to his very last. There were good days mixed in between, some golden moments, moments that I will remember forever. He was never scared, not near as much as we were of losing him. The last few nights he slept literally in my arms, breathing heavy and we knew our time was getting short. The last morning, when I rubbed my red eyes as the sun rose, he looked back at me with a look I had never seen before. I knew it was time. It was not a look of fear, it was just knowing, understanding– that perhaps for the first time he knew what we had seen coming for weeks.
I swear I never would have been able to forgive myself if I had done it sooner. For me, for us, and I believe– for him, it was exactly as it was meant to be.
Strength to you and your family. 💔
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