Gold coins are a thing

I do agree bitcoins are not a thing, but neither is Bitcoin

Perhaps one day you will discover some Bitcoinium and mint some

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Exactly, people own gold coins not golds. Similarly, people own bitcoin UTXOs not bitcoins.

Bitcoin is objectively a distributed ledger that tracks the movement of UTXOs, which are denominated in satoshis.

I’m all for calling the new element discovered, Bitcoinium.