Faith has always been a personal thing for me. I was raised to be Christian, albeit, for whatever reason, never baptised.
I turned away from that path during my 20s, when things were happening which didn't sit well. I turned towards paganism.
11 years ago, I was in hospital again and I went to the chapel and sat and prayed. To who, or what, did'nt matter. I threw myself at the mercy of the universe and asked, 'surely it's time I had a chance'. In the months and years afterwards, my life improved.
8 years ago, an old friend who became a lover, albeit briefly, pulled me back towards the church. But then, over the course of several years, she struggled, badly and it made no sense to me; we'd catch up, 4 years later and she'd regale me with tales of her struggles.
I'd sit and talk to the void. I'd ask the Christian God, 'why would you let me have so much, do so much, when one of your followers, someone who truly believes, is left to suffer?'
I offered my own peace, so that she might find some herself. I even said I'd reconsider my position on faith if she could be granted peace.
Over the last 12 months, I've come to believe that more than anything, I need to reconnect, with my faith and with my local community and church. Yet I still hold back. I don't attend, because I don't know where I belong.
Last year, I was listening to this song, by Dax, called Dear God and it hit me hard. I think, hearing this, helped bring me back this way. I hope I'll find my church one day. Sooner rather than later, preferably.
