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I'm the one who started the sharing of this meme (this go around, at least). And I replied to this thread with "always".

I will not call this flawed - but oversimplified. And context and nuance matter, of course.

I never consider myself a great man - but I am a GOOD man who was incredibly harsh on himself for most of his life. But I never projected that hardness on others. Because I came from an abusive background, I sought to protect my family from the rage that constantly simmers below the surface with me.

Over time, I've softened. I've always realized the blessed life I've had for the entirety of the 36 years of marriage I've had...with two beautiful daughters and grandkids. Even then, I could realize it with one breath...and rage in the next. I've made substantial progress in being gentle with myself over the last 5-7 years. Some of that corresponded with retiring and focusing on coaching high school tennis as well as teaching tennis year around...primarily to juniors. And my wonderful wife makes it easy to always come back to centered.

Coming from the abusive background (ran away a couple times...grandparents took me in when I was 12), I've always had a heart to build up juniors' self-esteem, confidence, work ethic, and resilience. Believe it or not, I've always done it with a smile and a lot of laughter while coaching tennis, soccer, judo...even singing at Vacation Bible Schools.

I was just always my worst judge and critic. Had people tell me at a young age that I'd never amount to anything. Rather than buckle, I fought back...and unfortunately carried that fighting mentality most of my life. I've been known to scream at inanimate objects (when nobody is around) if they aren't performing to my expectation. I was a developer, founding partner in a software/analytics consulting company, etc. So a lot of those screams were directed at the screen when trying to problem-solve. I coud always come up with a solution, but it took some cursing along the way.

And nope - never screamed at my wife, my kids, my employees...just myself or obstacles to my goals. Meanwhile, I knew weak men who screamed at their wife, their children, their employees, etc.

FikaTimeBooks.com 6mo ago

Thank you for sharing your journey. I was raised in an abusive, codependent, likely narcissistic household and was divorced in my early to mid twenties, and unlike you, I struggled not only with being super critical and abusive towards myself but also others. It took many, many miracles of God's love, attending Codependents Anonymous on and off for twelve years, deliverance ministry, therapy, and inner healing ministry and books to help me learn to love and be compassionate and kind with myself, and therefore to be the same way with others. I learned that buried feelings never die, so it took me many years to sort through and feel and release my many unfelt feelings, and find the truth from God about His true love, care, and kindness towards me. He still fathers and the Holy Spirit still mothers me to this day.

So when I critique this graphic (not your life) and its implication that it's good to be hard on oneself, I'm going to push back on it because it's not true. I'm really proud of you for not taking out feelings of angry on your family or people. Sincerely, well done. But you also deserve, because you're a precious son of a kind, good, empathic God, to interact with yourself and your heart with gentleness and truth and empathy, so you can find the healing your heart may still need.

Thank you for sharing your story and what you've done to find healing for yourself.

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Discussion

BitcoinBadger 6mo ago

I'm a believer as well, so I've spent my share of moments with God saying "sorry...forgive me...I'm trying" when I have a blow-up.

And my wife definitely reminds me that "buried feelings never die". I do not think I've repressed anything. I'm aware of what happened, I'm aware of how it shaped me, and I'm aware of how I channeled that aggression to a lot of GOOD. It just took its toll on me. Since walking away from consulting - and into teaching/coaching - I've become a much more patient, non-simmering person...because I'm doing what I truly love.

Good luck with your continued journey. You are looking in the right places for support!

FikaTimeBooks.com 6mo ago

That's great to hear and it sounds like you're in a good place.

The graphic implies that it's a good thing for men to be tough on themselves, with an expression of anger or even rage at himself, so that's patently a bad idea and not how God treats men by and large, so it's not a good idea to men to treat themselves that way, and certainly doesn't make them great.

BitcoinBadger 6mo ago

I mostly agree...I feel like I threaded a needle. That rage drove me to strive - without it, I would have succumbed to the environment I was in. But it needed to be retired at some point (especially after I met my wife since she is the most gentle, giving, gracious people I've ever met). But then I was in the mode of providing security to my immediate family and future generations. To not do that was to fail...and I fought failure my whole life because I was told I WOULD fail.

FYI, I didn't become a believer until about 18 years after that last runaway.

FikaTimeBooks.com 6mo ago

Well done doing your best!