"When my wife and I argue—which isn't often now that we both take responsibility for our patterns—we have a simple protocol: identify which hamster wheel just got triggered.

My process usually goes like this: I storm off, analyze the wheel spinning in my head, recognize which childhood program just hijacked me, then return (often sheepishly) to apologize and explain what got triggered. "Sorry, that was my Right/Wrong wheel. I felt criticized and went straight back to being five years old."

When Sylvia gets triggered—which is rarer—I've learned to approach carefully. She needs space first. So I wait, then gently suggest we look at what happened. Sometimes I'll even draw the wheel on the whiteboard: "Want to see which program just ran the show?"

The shift is almost magical. Once we can see it's not "us" fighting but our childhood programmers battling it out, the hurt dissolves. We usually end up laughing at how predictable we are, hug it out, and actually feel closer than before the argument started.

This isn't about being "evolved" or "spiritual." It's about recognizing that most conflicts are just old software glitching. When you can see the wheel instead of being trapped inside it, everything changes."

Excerpt from upcoming book. 👀