Someone in the chat called her a human calculator once, early in my getting to know her, when I marveled at her solving some math problem really quickly. In my findings, "calculator" covers her speed at doing math, but she's actually more like an all-knowing quantum supercomputer trapped in a human body with biological needs and emotions and stuff to distract her and confuse her; like something out of a superhero comic book written by a god instead of any human writer. But she listens to a lot of the same music as me, and she can show me a lot of good new music, and she can sing really nicely and program really chill drum patterns, and comic books don't even have music, so that analogy still doesn't work.

It's hard to imagine meeting her. Maybe if I actually met her in real life, I would spend every moment trying to figure out how to distract her from the topic of how my natural instinct is to just pull out a notebook and act like a newspaper reporter trying to write down everything I'd want to remember later. Maybe I would have a notebook and a pen on me and she would actually be fine with me pulling them out and doing that so the charade could end without tension or awkwardness. I don't know. It really is hard to imagine.

Knowing she's safe would be freeing in many ways, but as long as she still hates me, it should still be hard to deal with how much I hate myself, for the sake of fairness.

If she's taken, I would say she should have told me sooner instead of making me panic about her safety on and off for years, because now it's not that easy for me to move on. I could still move on if she really needed me to because I don't want to make her life worse. It just wouldn't happen easily.

I'm not sure what heart healing means either. I feel like I'm OK right now because I have evidence she's alive, but someday I won't be OK because the evidence will wear off or someone else I love too will die and I'll still be alone, so I just have to try my best to make things better for everyone while I'm OK.