I'm looking for a non-custodial lightning node that I can run on the Internet somewhere.

I want to be able to send and receive lightning payments, and to be able to publish a lud06 or lud16 in my nostr profile,

I do NOT want a web interface. I do NOT want a phone interface. I don't want to use somebody else's domain name.

I shouldn't have to understand how it works, or even how lightning works (except at a very highi level), I just should be able to run it and benefit.

It should be easy to setup, but I am fine compiling software, I am fine running my own server on the Interent, I am fine with running commands at the command line, I can even write a systemd script to start it and/or put it behind nginx if lightning uses https (I have no idea what protocols/ports lightning uses). I do not want to install package management software that interferes with my system setup (nix, node, yarn, npm, pip, ruby, yuck, blah, vomit!). It should be a simple binary with a config file, a storage directory, and an init script. Why should it be anything else?

Does that exist, and if so what is it?

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The thing with lightning is that you're going to have to deal with liquidity and opening channels. Supposedly https://github.com/ZmnSCPxj/clboss is good at automatically managing your node, but it requires Core Lightning which is different from the node software that most plebs use - LND. https://github.com/cryptosharks131/lndg is an alternative that runs on LND, but it's not as automated.

Anyway, back to easily running software without a GUI - your best option is probably to set up Ubuntu Server in a VPS and follow nostr:npub1txwy7guqkrq6ngvtwft7zp70nekcknudagrvrryy2wxnz8ljk2xqz0yt4x guide https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCRbH-IWlcW2A_kpx2XwAMgT0rcZEZ2Cg

This is definitely not a 1-click/1-step solution. But you're crazy smart and the guide is really good. Let me know what you decide to go with.

Personally, I think nostr:npub126ntw5mnermmj0znhjhgdk8lh2af72sm8qfzq48umdlnhaj9kuns3le9ll is great. It is GUI-based, but letting them handle the software packages is super convenient and reliable. Good luck!

The actual "thing" with lightning is that the whole thing is the biggest kludge in the history of kludges. It's a Rube Goldberg contraption bolted on top of an experimental, unoptimized protocol. It was from the start the wrong solution to the right problem.

There, I've said it. Give me your hate zealots.

Not sure if this fully solve your needs. I think you can achieve that with LND + Nostdress (non custodial lightning address server)

This minibolt tutorial can be the start:

https://v2.minibolt.info/lightning/lightning

After that followed by installing nostdress:

https://github.com/believethehype/nostdress

cc nostr:npub1nxa4tywfz9nqp7z9zp7nr7d4nchhclsf58lcqt5y782rmf2hefjquaa6q8

great question..

I would accept a instalable package, though... you are making it too hard :-)