there is no history of mental illness in my family
i never have to worry about having nowhere to go
i've had exceptional schooling that started in preschool
my parents were never alcoholics or on drugs, they didnt divorce, i was never kidnapped by an uncle, i didnt have to deal with lateral violence, i wasnt at oka, being on my rez during the powwow is being a tourist that's disneyland rez experience, i didnt have childhood cancer, i dont have a learning disability
all of the trauma i ~dont~ carry, all of the obligations i ~dont~ have
as in, and so: i dont need to come across as sane because im fucked if perceived otherwise and maybe i will lose visitation with my kids, i dont need a carefully curated brand because i am not relying on that to have healthcare, i dont need to watch who i associate with because that could damage my reputation institutionally and im in debt still paying back my masters degree
as in: so many pressures, so many reasons to be risk avoidant, so much rational to not go on a walk with a homeless man at dawn and let him buy you a cup of coffee so he could talk more and weep and have a hug (1.11.2015, i was looking at my halloween outfit from then yesterday, i slept in it)
i dont have those
so yea, i can actually
go on that walk
im pretty damn sure my privilege is supposed to be spent this way cos i think it should be and it's mine to spend
furthermore, im pretty sure im privileged in all the desires and appetites i simply didnt come to the planet with
i dont know how to add those up
but a lot of things that seem to matter to a lot of people, like 'yo i worked twenty years to get this exact model of this exact car', i dont know what that is
i dont know what it is to wait six months for a meal that blew you away that will stay with you forever that means the world
my mouth isnt like that. it isnt connected to my heart center like that. maybe that is a more of a taurus moon thing. my brother has spent hours on a train for a single specific slice of pizza before. i just dont have hooks like that.
saying my brother cos, and i know this is weird, but calibrating a little against some weird magical native thing
like ohhh she is too indigenous to know how cool a car can be
natives just eat the three sisters
they are not born with a taste driven palate maybe
like lol
god native racism is so fucking stupid
anyway, if me writing with no regard entirely deranged allows any safety or cover or foundness or diversion or space or place or permission for anyone else out here
then cool
if it allows for insights, if it gets some de-misogyny going, if it allows more space for dramatics, proves the efficacy of histrionics, sanctifies the existence of moods, inspires release in what was otherwise oppressed or castigated,
then cool
and if it doesnt
then cool
its free
its waymaking (aries north node)
🎶making my way downtown🎶 my way
