well, there's so much to unpack here. and much more than i'm able to handle, as i'm not a coach or expert of any sorts. but i can share my experience and take from it what you will.

as it sounds like you found out, you can't one-side a D/s relationship (or any relationship for that matter) because there is no structure, which is the primary point of a D/s relationship.

by putting her on a pedestal, you were in a way objectifying her—so what she "received" from you was still "for" you, if that makes sense. this is were the feeling of pressure came from. and because it was primarily for you, that devotion was never recognized and received in a way that you needed. so no wonder it felt exhausting.

i'm not sure if you experience submission as just a kink or as an expression of love—because for me it's how i show love, feel intimacy, and find meaning. and from our brief conversations here, i'm guessing that you feel submission in a similar vein. but, ultimately, it's up to her whether she can recognize it and whether she is able to receive it. and if she can't, submission is just draining...

without her acceptance, your offering falls flat; that's a painful place to be. what you're coming to terms with is more that just surrendering a fantasy, but something your submission could rest in. that is not an easy thing to carry...

this sounds more like mismatch of orientation than a communication failure—you both seem to communicate well so perhaps something that aligns in reality with both of you will emerge.

i'm not sure if this is something you may find any use in, but i hope it helps.

i'm wishing you the best, fren~

i've tread similar waters.

some things we let go and grieve, others we're able to realign <3