If he's anything like me, a lot of people hate him for being a piece of shit, and you've noticed that, but you didn't mention it here because you love him.
There's this paradoxical pain in the broken friendship I had with a certain friend from long before Digit:
She probably loved me and kept it secret because I was a piece of shit.
Was that her fault, or mine, or both of ours?
I want her to think it was both of us. She should have tried being there when I needed love, and I should have not been a piece of shit so she could feel like that was a good idea. If this is true, she doesn't have to carry all the guilt on her own, she can blame me too. I'm the one that was a piece of shit, she was just a shy girl who was my friend.
But this implies I had some choice in what happened. I didn't. My emotional issues required outside input, which I expressed clearly. I was not able to do alone what I could have done with a partner, or a closer friendship. Distrusting me and distancing me was not smart, I was telling the truth about my issues being results of loneliness rather than me simply being a psycho.
If I had choice in the matter, then she can feel like she was never good enough for me in some way. She can pretend I'm not the only one that wasn't good enough. If it's both our faults, then we both deemed each other "not good enough."
So it's a paradox. By trying to save her from the pain of blaming herself for her choice, I bring her a new pain she doesn't deserve: believing she "wasn't good enough" for me, when the reality is she completely had a solid chance at making me very happy and helping me grow and improve as a person, but I wasn't good enough for her.
Let me explain this again so you get it:
OPTION 1 - We both didn't try hard enough to be with each other, so it's not all her fault we didn't end up together, it's just that we both weren't good enough for each other.
OPTION 2 - I tried as hard as I could to escape being alone and I was not good enough for her, so how it followed was all based on her choice, but she could have easily been good enough for me if she wanted.
The reality is option 2, but that's incredibly painful, so she could go her whole life thinking it's option 1 instead with me not being able to do anything about it, which really sucks.
